Where in the Galaxy is Hoshi Sato?
by Blynneda
Summary: Parody of "Vanishing Point."


_Well, imagine that, I actually get two out in one week!  This is unprecedented!_

_WARNING:  Do not read if you are susceptible to hurting yourself.  The author bears no responsibility for any injuries sustained when reading this parody._  There.  I just figured I needed a disclaimer.     

**Where in the Galaxy is Hoshi Sato?**

_On the set of _Raiders of the Lost Ark:

Hoshi:  These are at least 300 years older than in the last chamber…

Trip:  You sure you can't read any of this?

Hoshi:  Nope.  How 'bout you?

Trip:  What, _I_ have to do it now?  What kind of linguist are you?

Hoshi:  Linguists don't care about hieroglyphics.

Trip:  Well, I think this one is a curse on anyone who takes pictures of it.

Hoshi:  Ooh, get a shot of it!

Trip:  It's too bad we didn't bother to bring a digital camera with us.  Now we have to wait until we get back to Earth to develop this.

Hoshi:  I wonder what happened to them.

Trip:  Maybe they got killed off by a wild thunderstorm.

Archer (over com):  Hey, guess what?  There's a wild thunderstorm coming your way!

Trip (shrieks like little girl):  Okay, Cap'n.  We'll be right up.

T'Pol:  Captain.  We have another storm.

Archer:  Another one?

T'Pol:  That's why I said "another."

Archer:  Well, lookie that.

Reed:  They're diamagnetic storms.  Saturated with polaric energy.

Archer:  Does that mean forks will stick to the hull of the pod?

Reed:  Either that, or they won't be able to polarize the hull plating.

Archer:  Cause it'll already _be_ polarized!  Hah!

_Back to the planet:_

Trip:  Whoa, those are like tornadoes or som'un.

Archer:  So you see, you have to come back now.

Hoshi (disappointed):  Aww!  I wanted to try to survive the big storm down here!  Hey!  Why don't we go hide in the ruins?

Archer:  That's a great idea, but I'd rather try out the risky transporter.  I've sent Malcolm down to the transporter room.  He'll try it out himself first.  You'll see him down there in a minute.

Hoshi:  Couldn't we, like, NOT do the riskiest thing possible?

Archer:  Nope!  Get ready.  Wel'll go one at a time so someone might get left behind.  Decide which of you is more valuable to the ship.

Trip:  Hey, what's gonna happen to the pod if it's such a destructive storm?

Archer:  I don't know.  Maybe we'll just leave it there.  Hurry!

Trip:  So, which of us is more important?

Hoshi:  I don't know.  I don't really want to go through it.  I thought they said transporters were for non-people only.

Trip:  The Captain went through it and he's fine.  Right?

Hoshi:  Yeah, but what if I get split into my "good" half and "evil" half?

Trip:  Your "evil" half?  Is that the part that says bad words in Klingon?

Hoshi:  Oh, yeah, one of us should be going now.

Trip:  Woll, your job can be done by a computer, so I'll go.

Hoshi:  Let me know if you survive it.

Trip:  I'll even let you know if I don't survive it—at least one o' my molecules'll still be down here!  (beams up)

Hoshi (talking to thin air):  Commander?

Trip (over com):  Oops.  Som'un happened to my eyes.  And my…um, never mind what.

Hoshi (frightened):  What?

Trip:  Just kiddin'.  Come on.

Hoshi (beaming aboard):  Hey, I'm alive.  I thought I'd be in grave danger.

Reed:  Nope.  We decided against the suspenseful teaser this week.

ACT 1:  Failure

_Hoshi's Quarters, which look exactly like everyone else's quarters:_

Hoshi (looking into mirror):  Wow.  I never realized how pretty I am.  Hey, wait.  That's not a pimple, is it?  (door chimes)  Come in!

Archer (disappointed):  Oh.  I was hoping you'd be naked.

Hoshi:  I'll be ready in a minute.

Archer (conspiratorially):  Are you sure you wouldn't rather…stay here?

Hoshi:  No, sir.

Archer:  So, it'll be fun going back down with Trip tomorrow, won't it?

Hoshi:  Say what?

Archer:  To the planet.  You were going to finish whatever you were doing, right?

Hoshi:  Um…

Archer:  You need to retrieve Shuttlepod 13, er, One.

Hoshi:  What happens if the second one gets stuck down there, too?

Archer:  _Then _we'd send you in the transporter.

Hoshi:  I don't want to get lost…

Archer:  Lost?  You are lost.  In fact, you're just dreaming about me visiting you.  In your robe.  At night…

Hoshi:  I _am_?  Whoa.  Weird.  Good night.

_Mess hall:_

Reed:  So _she_ said, "That's _not_ my warp core!"  (everyone laughs)

Hoshi:  Is anyone sitting here?

Travis:  Are you kidding?  A _Vulcan_?

Hoshi:  Hey!  Boys?  Aren't you mesmerized by my beauty?

Trip:  What?  Oh.  Hi.  Yeah, siddown.  (looks at her more closely)  Ya know, you got a pimple, right…(points) there.

Hoshi:  _That_ was unsettling.

Reed:  What, the joke?  Sorry.

Hoshi:  No, the transporter.

Trip (stuffing his face):  Oh, yeah.  Horwible.  Lost mah appetite.

Hoshi:  I can see that.  I don't feel right.

Trip:  Well, it was prob'ly the storm.  You don't forget that kinda thing quickly.

Hoshi:  But you _do _forget a transport quickly?

Trip:  A what?  Anyway, remember that ol' story about Cyrus Ramsey?

Hoshi:  Who?  (everyone groans)

Trip:  Don't tell me you've never heard of him!  It's like I just made him up or som'un!

Hoshi:  What's the story?  Morning glory?

Trip:  Well, it was, like, way back in 2146…

Hoshi:  Wasn't that just five years ago?

Trip:  Oh.  Yeah.  So, this guy died in a transporter accident?

Hoshi (waiting):  And?

Trip:  That's it.  That's the story.

Hoshi:  Oh.  (pauses)  You'd think my imagination could come up with more horrible details than that.

Travis:  Hey, let's go do something manly together!

Reed:  Yeah, no girls allowed!

Archer (over com):  You can take Travis down to see the ruins.  And fly back.

Travis:  Whoo-hoo!

Reed:  Can I come too?

Trip:  Hey, why the hell not?  (all leave)

Hoshi:  Well, that's depressing.

_Sickbay:_

Hoshi:  Hey, where's the doctor?  Is he ignoring me, too?  Doctor!

Phlox (appearing suddenly behind her like in a horror flick):  Hi.

Hoshi:  AHH!  Oh.  You're not a killer.  Where were you?

Phlox:  I was in the back, feeding the kitties.

Hoshi:  Didn't you hear me shout your name?

Phlox:  No.  I heard you shout "Doctor."  That's not my name.  Are you feeling all right?

Hoshi:  No.  I went through the transporter and got all wiggy.  So, no…I'm not feeling well.

Phlox:  That's nice.  Did you come to pet the kitties?

Hoshi:  No, I came because my molecules are falling apart.

Phlox:  Oh, you're just being obsessive-compulsive.  Worrying about everything…  Let's check. (pauses for one-half second)  Yep.  Everything's fine.

Hoshi (points to face):  What about this?

Phlox:  Oh, you have a blemish?  I can clear that up, no problem.

Hoshi:  Well, this pimple used to be lower.  What does that mean?

Phlox (dismissively):  It means you'll die.  Now, I have a lot of animals to feed before bedtime, so go away.

Hoshi:  I thought you only slept once a year.

Phlox:  Hey, it's _your_ dream.  You figure out the continuity.

_Hoshi's Quarters:_

T'Pol:  Wake up!  There's an emergency!

Hoshi:  Huh?  Where am I?

T'Pol:  You're late for work.  You get detention.

_Bridge:_

Hoshi:  Hi, sorry, Captain.  I was…sleeping.

Archer (accusingly):  Trip and Travis have been taken hostage.  The people didn't like you disturbing their ruins.

Hoshi:  Taken hostage?  Now, I really _hope_ this is a dream, cause this is way too ridiculous otherwise!

Archer:  It's all your fault!

Hoshi:  My fault?  You gave the orders!

T'Pol:  Those were sacred ruins, rather than just worthless ruins that everyone had forgotten about.

Hoshi:  Really?  How do you know?

T'Pol:  I asked them.

Hoshi (hearing beep):  Hey, it's Mayweather's communicator.

"Travis" (over com):  Bargle snee ahhs!  Korky plah!

Archer:  That doesn't sound like Travis.

"Travis":  Slinko dinko dingo!  Pfakuli!

Hoshi (panicked):  It's not working!

T'Pol (annoyed):  What's _your_ problem?

Hoshi:  Imagine that!  For once, the UT doesn't _magically_ work!

Reed:  Just talk to them!  It worked in the second episode!  You've figured out enough in 20 seconds, right?

Hoshi:  Actually, that would be why the UT _doesn't_ _work_!

Archer:  Yeah, whatever, just go back to bed.

Hoshi (breaking down):  I don't know _why_ I can't understand!  I'm pathetic!

Archer:  Yes, you are.  (to guy in corner)  Hey, you!  Take the com.

Guy in corner (looking up, bewildered):  Huh?  Okay!

Archer:  Malcolm, let's go kick some ass!

Reed (happily):  Aye, sir!

Hoshi leaves, depressed.

ACT 2:  Fading away

_Hoshi's Quarters:_

Hoshi:  La de da, I'll just get naked now—hey, where am I?  Oh, there, behind all the steam.  (gets in shower)  What's that shadow behind the curtain?  Is it—AHHHHHHHH!  It's a guy with a knife!  Oh, well, at least he can't see me because I'm turning invisible!

_Mess hall:_

Hoshi:  Wow.  It seems like all I do is eat.  No wonder I was obsessed with cooking, if this is what I dream about.  (walks up to empty table)  Anyone sitting here?  No?  I guess I'm the only invisible person.  OK.  (sits)  Oh, hi, T'Pol, didn't notice you there.

T'Pol:  Greetings.  I was engrossed in a book.  Grisham.  Ever read him?

Hoshi:  I thought there was a hostage situation…

T'Pol:  Oh, _that_.  Yeah, we solved that off-camera.  The real hostage situation comes in sweeps.  Ensign Whatever decrypted the language easily—a simple bimodal syntax.

Hoshi:  What?  Language is never that simple!  You're treating it like a math equation!  [A/N:  Sorry, a little of my own anthro background seeping in!]

T'Pol:  Obviously, you couldn't figure it own because you're pathetic.

Hoshi:  I am?

T'Pol:  That's what I think of you.

_Around the ship:_

Hoshi:  Everyone's ignoring me.  It's as if I'm turning invisible and ceasing to exist!

Voices:  The stream's too unstable!  mumble mumble  One, two…

Hoshi:  And now I'm hearing voices again.

_Sickbay:_

Hoshi:  Can you see me?

Phlox:  What?

Hoshi:  Okay, you can't hear me.  But can you see me?

Phlox:  Is there something in particular you'd like me to look at?

Hoshi (taking offense):  Don't be a pervert.  I think I'm turning invisible or going crazy.

Phlox:  Have you considered that you're dreaming this?

Hoshi:  Nobody wants to talk to me.  I think they don't even see me.

Phlox:  That's funny.  Ensign Mayweather came to me with precisely the same problem.  He said he had to die to get attention.  Even then, it was a stretch…

Hoshi:  Okay, let's get back to me.  I mean, jeez, you'd think the guys would be crawling all over me, what with that I'm about the only woman around.

Phlox (conspiratorially):  There's something you should know about some of your crewmates…

Hoshi:  You know, I think it's the transporter.

Phlox:  Oh, don't worry about that.  It works just fine.  But hey—I wouldn't be caught dead in that death trap!

Hoshi:  Maybe you would be.

Phlox:  Well, you look fine to me.  The spleen goes on the right side, right?

Hoshi:  I don't know.  You're the doctor.

Phlox:  Then that's a yes.  Let me give you some meds.

Hoshi:  No!  No pills, man!  What's up with doctors overmedicating patients?  The last thing I need is to be medicated now!

Phlox:  I wasn't talking about dropping acid.  Well, come by in the morning, hmm?

Hoshi:  I will, if I'm still ALIVE!

_The room with the funny twirly space-man machine:_

Trip:  Whoo, I'm dizzy!

Hoshi:  Were you tortured or anything?

Trip:  Yeah, the Cap'n made me get in this thing for breaking the shuttlepod.

Hoshi:  No, I mean on the surface.  The hostage thing?

Trip:  Oh, that.  Yeah, they forced us to have sex with beautiful women.  It was horrible.

Hoshi:  I can imagine.  Sorry I didn't go with you and get abducted, too.

Trip:  That's okay.  You woulda hated it.

Hoshi:  So, have you felt okay since we've been back?

Trip:  Well, considerin' I've gone back down to the surface, been kidnapped, held for ransom, then set free, yeah, it's been a pretty typical day.  Why do you ask?

Hoshi:  I haven't been myself.  I've felt more like Travis.  The doctor thinks I'm loony.  And my hands do special see-through tricks.

Trip:  That happened to me once.  Or did it?  Maybe that's still comin' up.  (gets off twirly machine)  You should avoid this thing.  It's makin' me woozy.

Hoshi:  What's the point of it, anyway?

Trip:  Som'un to do with gravity.

Hoshi:  Our ship has artificial gravity.

Trip:  Whatever.

Hoshi:  Well, Phlox thinks I'm fine, anyway.

Trip:  You know, I bet in the future, there'll be characters who don't like transporters.

Hoshi:  I just feel like I got put together wrong.  Do I look any different?

Trip:  Uh, you don't look fat if that's what you're askin'.

Hoshi:  Well, I wasn't, but I'm glad you said so.

Trip:  So, uh.  You wanna go crawl into bed now?

Hoshi:  _What?_

Trip:  Hey, it's _your_ dream, not mine. (leaves)

Hoshi:  Crap.  My hands are falling through stuff again.  AHH!  I'm invisible!  _And_ I can't touch anything!  Amazing, though, how I manage to stay spatially oriented with the ship!

ACT 3:  Okay, she's invisible.  And dead.

Hoshi:  I've been trapped in this room all night, because I can't work the door control, because I can walk through stuff!

Trip:  Woll, she was here last night.  I thought maybe she woulda slept here.

Hoshi:  I did!  Can't you hear me?

Archer (over com):  Have you found her?

T'Pol:  No.  Have you?

Archer:  Yeah, actually.  I was just asking you out of curiosity.

Trip:  She's not here.

Hoshi:  Yeah, she is.  I mean, I is.

Trip:  I'll go look in the engines.  Maybe she hid out there.

_Sickbay:_

Phlox:  She came twice since that storm thing the other day.

Archer:  Wasn't feeling well?

Phlox:  Actually, I thought maybe it was because she's in love with me.  I don't understand human behavior very well.  It was the first time she transported, you were aware?

T'Pol:  Far too aware.

Phlox:  She was convinced her molecules were coming apart.  Take a look at this.

Hoshi:  Hi.  I'm just sittin' back here, hoping someone will mention me.  I'll see what they really think!  I wonder how come I can sit on this counter when I normally fall through stuff.

Archer:  Uh…you're asking me to interpret?

Phlox:  To put it simply, so you can understand, her molecules are coming apart.

Hoshi:  Ha!  I'm right!  Eat that, Johnny!

_Transporter room:_

Trip:  It's the secondary phase coils or som'un.  Musta happened right after I beamed up.  Boy, was _I_ lucky.

T'Pol:  She is losing molecular cohesion.

Archer:  Well.  How 'bout that?

Trip:  I told her to go first, but she wouldn't listen.  It shoulda been me!

Archer:  Well, then, when you think about it, this is her fault, right?

T'Pol:  You _are_ more valuable to the ship.

Phlox:  And she _was_ getting a bit whiny, wasn't she?

Hoshi:  Wow.  They really love me.

Archer:  See what went wrong.  Starfleet told me this wasn't supposed to happen.  "Oh, sure!" they said.  "It's fine, don't worry about it!"  Try to find Hoshi.

Phlox:  Actually, you shouldn't look for Hoshi.  You should look for a little pile of goo.  That's all that's left.

Hoshi:  Wait!  I'm right here!  You just can't see or hear me, as if I'm a hologram!  Wait.  Maybe I'm a ghost!

Archer (to T'Pol):  Have the doctor help you recalibrate the sensors.

T'Pol:  Doctor, help me recalibrate the sensors.  (to Archer)  Why didn't you ask him yourself?  He's right over there.

Archer:  Oh, that's right.  (presses com button)

Travis (cheerfully):  Yes?

Archer:  Prepare to break orbit and continue our long and lonely journey.

Travis:   Hot diggity!

Archer walks through Hoshi and leaves

Hoshi:  Whoa!  Gooshie, center me on Sam!

_Somewhere in the bowels of the ship:_

Trip:  So, is it her?

Phlox:  I don't know.  What do you think?

Hoshi:  Nope.  I'm right here.

Trip:  What'd she come in this outta-the-way shaft for?

Hoshi:  I was following you guys.

Voices:  Booyah krikey!

Hoshi:  Hey, more voices!

Trip:  Here's a little glob of toothpaste.  Do you think it's her?

Phlox:  I suppose her parents will want it.  Although they might say, "What's this?  Why do they send us goo through the mail?"

Trip:  You go ahead.  I'm gonna stay here and talk to the wall for a minnit.

Phlox (looking at him like he's nuts):  I understand.  (leaves)

Hoshi:  I'm right here, you can talk to me!

Trip:  Man, what was I thinkin', leaving you down there?  I told you we'd be safe!

Hoshi:  Well, obviously, you were wrong!

Trip:  Now look what you've done.

Hoshi:  What _I've_ done?!  You're the one who broke the transporter!

Trip:  And to top it off, I never told you I'm in love!

Hoshi:  He loves me?

Trip:  …with T'Pol.

Aliens talking (I'm getting sick of making up words)

Hoshi:  Hey, these aliens are talking about doing something bad!  Should I confront them, or panic, or what?

ACT 4:  What the hell?

_Ready room:_

Hoshi:  Captain!  The ship's in danger!  Aliens from another dimension, or possibly that uninhabited planet, are trying to blow us up!  Can't you hear me?!

Guy (over com):  We've located her father.

Archer:  Oh.  Damn.  What do I say?  Put him through.

[_A/N:  The conversation with the father is in itself a parody, isn't it? I don't know if it's supposed to be badly written or what._]

Hoshi's Father:  Captain Archer.  Is everything all right?

Archer:  Actually, no.  Um…how's the weather?  We had an accident with out transporting device.

Hoshi's Father:  What's that?

Archer:  It's a device…that transports.

Hoshi:  Did I mention there were aliens?  Destroying the ship?

Hoshi's Father:  So…why are you telling me?

Archer:  Obviously your daughter didn't get her communication skills from you.

Hoshi's Father:  Daughter?  I have a daughter?

Archer:  Not anymore.

Hoshi's Father:  Not anymore?  What does that mean?

Hoshi:  Maybe he'll notice if I wiggle my fingers in front of his face.

Archer:  Do you even understand _English_?

Hoshi's Father:  Listen, how about you call back later?  The ball game's on.

Archer (hopefully):  Water polo?

Hoshi's Father:  No.

Archer:  I'm so sorry.

Hoshi's Father (unemotional as a Vulcan):  Me too.

Hoshi:  How about this!  I can make the lights dance!

Archer (notices immediately, which should definitively confirm that this is a dream):  Hey, what's that?  T'Pol?

Hoshi:  Good.  Someone will figure this out!

Archer:  I never heard that before.

T'Pol:  Heard what?  It looks like the lights are flickering to me.

Archer (with an epiphany):  I think it's Morse Code!  SOS!

T'Pol:  Who could possibly need help?

Archer:  Oh.  Good point.

T'Pol:  Maybe you should go take a nap.

Archer:  Yeah.  We'll figure it out tomorrow.

Hoshi:  No!  Not tomorrow!  Figure it out now!

_Wherever it is in the ship that the aliens are doing bad stuff:_

Aliens setting their bombs

Hoshi:  Look!  There's a bomb on the warp core!  They must be setting up dynamite.  Let's see if I can magically stop it.  I'm going to hide, because no one can see me.

Alien:  Hey, our thingies got turned off!

Other alien:  Okay, let's set it off and get outta here!  Stupid humans.  (transport pad appears)  Go on.

Hoshi:  Crap.  What's going on?

Voices:  Come on, Hoshi.

Hoshi:  Okay.  I guess the solution is to jump on this thing!

Reed:  Easy as one, two…pie!

Hoshi:  Whoa, what's up with your hair?  Have I entered a parallel universe?  Come on, we have to save the ship!

Trip:  What?

Hoshi:  You know, the bad aliens that only I knew about?

Reed:  Uh…we had a problem with the transporter.  You're fine now.

Trip:  You were trapped in the pattern buffer.  Only for a few seconds.

Hoshi:  OH, if that's all!

Reed:  Eight point three seconds, to be anally precise.

Hoshi:  So you mean I just imagined it all?

Trip:  I guess so!

Hoshi:  Do you have a mirror?

Reed:  As a matter of fact, yes.  I carry one in my pocket.

Hoshi:  I'm glad I didn't end up like Cyrus Ramsey.

Trip:  Cyrus Ramsey?  He's the richest guy on the planet!  Why wouldn't you want to end up like him?

_Sickbay:_

Hoshi:  So all that happened in eight seconds?

Phlox:  Wouldn't we all have been happier if it had?  [A/N:  Actually, I liked this episode.]

Hoshi:  Huh.

Archer:  You might care that Malcolm is proposing we compress the transporter beam.  Cause he's an engineer.

Hoshi:  I hope you don't plan on beaming me anywhere soon!

Archer:  Ha ha!  Beam!  You climbed on the platform though, right?  So you must like it!

Hoshi:  Yeah, so?

Archer:  So you overcame your fear!  Yippie!

Hoshi:  That's the lesson of the day, kids—learning through hallucinations!

Archer:  Let's go to the bridge!  (goes to door)

Hoshi:  _I _push the button!

Fin.


End file.
